Sharing My Journey

Only a few months ago I was not just agnostic, but anti-religion, anti-god anti-faith.  I raged against God, saying God was responsible for injustice and cruelty.
Look at all the so called Christians, I would think to myself, picking out any example of bad behavior on the part of a Christian to reinforce my belief that religion made people bad.  Of course, I was able to ignore all the Christians doing incredible things around the world, providing medical care to the sick, food to the hungry, and education to children.  I was able to dismiss these good deeds as "imperialistic."
Those of us who yearn for social justice forget that when people are provided with health care and food and education they are more likely to escape poverty.  Somehow, us liberals want to preserve the conditions that brought about poverty while at the same time lifting people out of poverty.  We condemn Christians for their efforts because they change the people they minister to.
So I want to share my journey even though it is uncomfortable and likely to reveal more about myself that I feel comfortable because I know that there are others like me, kind hearted loving people who believe that fighting for social justice means fighting against Christianity.
I have felt alone for a very long time. Vulnerable. Heavyhearted. Unlovable.
I have not taken good care of myself.  I have taken absurd risks with my health and safety. I have put myself in dangerous situations. I have been fighting to make sense of my life that seemed to be nothing but trauma and pain.
And then I asked a myself a question, "What is the worse possible thing that could happen if I opened my heart to God?"
Something stirred in me.  A softening of my heart. An openness.
The worst thing that could happen was that my deepest fear would be realized.  What if I opened myself up to God and was rejected?  What if I really am unlovable?
In an unpredictable and completely unexpected serious of events, I ended up around amazing people who believe in God.  Upon hearing that I didn't believe in God they responded with love saying "you may not believe in him, but he believes in you."
I was reassured that God could forgive me of things that even I couldn't forgive of myself.  I was assured that God loves me.
I decided to risk it.
I decided to ask God into my life.
I hope that my journey might reach the hearts of others who, like me, were wanting to be good, do good, bring good in the world but struggle with feelings of loneliness or emptiness or hopelessness.