My parents were divorced. Right before I started Kindergarten my mother, brother, me and our cat Purley got on a plan in San Francisco and landed in Salt Lake City, Utah. The best man at my parent's wedding picked us up and took us to his small adobe house on the outskirts of the city. My mom told me many times that my dad didn't want a girl, that he didn't love me.
Losing my dad was incredibly painful.
Not long after while my brother and I were playing together, we were abducted by two men. I was sexually assaulted as my brother watched.
When I heard about God, a Heavenly Father, all I felt was betrayal and longing.
Why didn't my dad love me?
Why didn't God protect me?
For most of my life I would joke about not having the "god gene." I was sure I was wired differently. Other people felt God, but not me.
He wanted nothing to do with me.
I wasn't good enough for him.
I realize now that the way I talked about God, both to others and to myself, showed that I actually did believe in God. I couldn't feel like God had forsaken me if he didn't exist.
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So true! It makes no sense for a person to be angry at God, to rage at God, if God does not exist. To open one's heart to the possibility of God is to take a step towards God. And that's the beginning of quite an adventure! There's nothing so lost God can't find it. There's nothing so broken God can't mend it. There's nothing so dead in a person that God can't breathe life into it. Blessings to you!
ReplyDeleteThank you! It took me a long time to realize that God could forgive me me, I felt unlovable for such a long time.
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